Last week I was working with a group of enthusiastic and engaged computer software professionals. The subject of the day’s workshop was Challenging Situations and Courageous Conversations. During the objective setting session one of the participants shared that they struggled most with conflict when it was unexpected.
It’s a subject that comes up often in my conflict handling workshops, so I thought that it might make useful content for this my latest post. Conflict is an everyday feature of our working and personal lives some of it is easier to deal with than others depending on the situation and our own approach to handling it.
However, conflict when we are least expecting it – The “surprise attack” that comes at you of the blue, from the least likely person, is perhaps one of the more challenging conflict situations to handle.
Recently a friend asked me for some help with a conflict that she was having with her next door neighbour. Due to a misunderstanding the neighbour was pretty upset, so much so that when they passed on the street and my friend said hello her neighbour walked past her avoiding eye contact, and without speaking.
She told me that she felt like she’d been punched in the stomach. Stunned, she walked back to her house wondering what had just happened. It was even more upsetting because after the initial situation had occurred she’d taken the time to speak to him about the confusion and thought that the matter had been cleared up.
My friend is usually quite adept at managing difficult situations, but as I said earlier a surprise attack can be one of the hardest conflicts to handle We talked about the incident for a while, brainstorming strategies that would help her deal with this unexpected and unpleasant situation. She was really upset, and unable to come to terms with what had happened, and struggling with how best to handle the situation. Sometimes time and space is a useful tool so I suggested that she take some time to mull over what we had discussed and left her to think it over on her own in her own time. .
Regardless of the cause, a troubling conflict may take time to untangle and can disrupt our lives while it’s going on. We lose our balance and often operate on half-power, the other half working non-stop to figure out where to assign blame and (as much as possible) to justify our own actions. If it’s disturbing enough we lose focus at work and at home, have difficulty making even routine decisions, and spend wakeful nights deliberating over the best way to handle it. It’s hard to do anything wholeheartedly until it’s resolved.
I felt a lot of sympathy for my friend. I’ve been there and it’s no fun. As a coach I knew that I could help her most by listening objectively when she needed to talk, asking her supportive but challenging questions, and by giving her the space and thinking time to enable her to work out how best she might tackle the situation. As a friend and someone who has been in her shoes I was also able to share some tips that I have picked up over the years, and they are:-
Acknowledge your emotions. A conflict can unbalance us with strong emotions and feelings of unworthiness, anger, sadness, and frustration., don’t avoid them, but rather treat them as guides. Appreciate and observe as you might observe a play. There is a lot of power in this emotional energy, tap into it and you’ll find a way to use it that’s in line with your best purpose.
Take the long view. It’s so easy to get caught in the turmoil of the conflict that we forget there will be a tomorrow. So, consider the future with the conflict resolved. Imagine how you’ll feel with the problem behind you. What would you like the relationship to look like a month from now, a year? Meanwhile, eat well, go to bed at regular hours, laugh and allow yourself to forget the problem occasionally. This may not be easy, but it’s effective.
Reframe. Step outside the conflict momentarily. Instead of resisting it, ask yourself if there is an opportunity to look at the problem differently or to try out a new behaviour. Acknowledge the other person by stepping into their shoes. Why are they behaving this way? What do they want? How would you feel if you were in their position?
Practice. Brainstorm all possible responses to this situation and try them on for size. Get a friend and role-play alternatives you think you’d never choose because they’re so unlike your usual approach.
Count your blessings. Notice the good things in your life.
After brainstorming many options my friend decided to write a letter to her neighbour. Her decided strategy was to resist justifying her actions. Instead, she acknowledged her neighbours’ feelings and offered to talk with him about the situation. They began to talk and, over time, they were able to move on. There was no magic wand, no easy fix. Just a lot of determination, thought and resilience on behalf of my friend driven by a real want to restore the relationship.
Should you find yourself in a similar situation then the following questions might prove helpful in enabling you to think about, and practice good conflict management.
- What happens when you’re surprised by conflict?
- How do you usually behave, and how is it different from what you would like to do?
- Think about the last time you experienced this kind of “surprise attack.” How did you handle it? What might you have done differently? What next steps will you take?
Conflict can cause us to lose sight of the big picture — of what we truly want in life, why we’re here, and what’s important — or to see it more clearly. In “The Magic of Conflict,” author Thomas Crum says, “our quality of life depends not on what happens to us, but on what we do with what happens to us.”